Can’t stop imagining a cracky road trip AU for ASOIAF like the Oregon Trail. Everyone fleeing the zombies, y’know, for Dorne. Or something. Total crack.
Brienne’s the dad driving the caravan who’s all “Don’t make me pull this wagon over” when Tyrion and Arya squabble. Catelyn’s the mom constantly making sure that there’s no making-out in front of the children. Sansa falls asleep on Shae’s chest. Gendry just randomly strips and poses. Rickon keeps asking what this “sex” thing is and if it’s as good as walnuts (Catelyn puts a stop to the explanations but Osha gives him a serious nod). Team Dragonstone follows the caravan in a wagon with a mast. Stannis uses his “legit” stamp on everything, including Mel’s breasts when he’s drunk. Hot Pie looks like Hot Pie. They get lost in the Stormlands and Catelyn and Brienne argue over whether to stop and ask for directions. Cersei and Jaime abandon the caravan and it’s lame “No sex in front of the children” rule for a cabin in the woods. Jaqen does a Jack Sparrow on the mast, and discovers that he and Mel are related. Tyrion starts “99 Flagons of Beer on the Wall”.
And then of course Davos was constantly attempting to row the wagon with the mast (which was also chained to the back of the other caravan that we shall call Team Awesome). This resulted in Team Dragonstone beginning the Westerosi rendition of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” with Melisandre constantly adding in bits about R’hllor.
Jaqen and Melisandre caught up on how “Uncle Bob
H’ghar” was doing and then Jaime and Cersei caught back up with Cersei pregnant and Jaime contemplating whether or not Cersei, Tyrion and he should dye their hair similar to that of Jaqen’s since everybody was looking for Team Surviving-Lannisters-That-Aren’t-In-Dorne-Or-Named-Tommen. Ros and Melisandre of course tried to get them to do it because redheads are sexy and then Jaime got a little bit jealous of how awesome Jaqen’s hair was as the wind caressed it atop the mast of Team Dragonstone’s wagon.
Arya called Tywin “Uncle Tywin” and Tyrion burst into tears so they moved him, Shae and Sansa to the back of the caravan and since Team Dragonstone was chained to the back they were suddenly happy that the entire time Davos had been adamant about “rowing” the wagon because now they had to “row” the wagon thanks to Tyrion’s tears. When Catelyn heard Arya called Tywin “Uncle” she pulled the wagon over with a screech and was all *Exorcist head twist* to look at Arya who was like “>_> He gave me mutton.” And Tyrion was like, “BUT MUTTON WAS HIS FAVORIIIIIIIIITE” Ayra promptly informs him that Tywin told her that he disliked mutton and also compared her to Cersei. This prompts Cersei to throw her hands up and go on an hour long rant about how life just isn’t fair when it comes to “daddy.”
Tyrion and Sansa are adamant that Shae has healing comfort boobs and this prompts a “who’s breasts are better” argument in which Sansa declares Shae the victor “because her breasts fit best in her hands.” But Jaime calls shenanigans because Cersei’s breasts fit best in his hands and Osha declares Ros the victor because, while she has small hands her hands are quick and she can cover more ground.
Rickon just really, really wants walnuts and Gendry just really wants to flex everywhere. He keeps on trying to show off to Arya but Jaqen finally interrupts by explaining to Gendry that “a man must understand when a girl is too young to recognize a man’s sexiness and must wait for a girl to be old enough.” This leads to bro-bonding.
At some point Catelyn chases Jaqen around and “a man is very upset” because “a man was throttled by a trout.” This statement of course prompted Brienne to intimidate Jaqen into a cowering mess that, “no man should ever have to endure” because “a woman is frightful.”
I don’t think they ever reached Dorne…